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  CONFIDENCE

  STORIES

  RUSSELL SMITH

  A JOHN METCALF BOOK

  BIBLIOASIS

  WINDSOR, ONTARIO

  Copyright © Russell Smith, 2015

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced

  or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including

  photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without

  permission in writing from the publisher or a licence from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For an Access Copyright licence, visit

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  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

  Smith, Russell, 1963-, author

  Confidence / Russell Smith.

  Short stories.

  Issued in print and electronic formats.

  ISBN 978-1-77196-015-1 (pbk.). — ISBN 978-1-77196016-8 (ebook)

  I. Title.

  PS8587.M58397C65 2015 C813’.54 C2014-907955-9

  C2014-907956-7

  Edited by John Metcalf

  Cover and text design by Gordon Robertson

  Cover photo: Shapes #1 (Self-Portrait, 2008 Series),

  by Sandrine Carole Photographic Design

  Copy edited by Emily Donaldson

  Biblioasis acknowledges the ongoing financial support of the Government of

  Canada through the Canada Council for the Arts, Canadian Heritage, the Canada Book Fund; and the Government of Ontario through the Ontario Arts Council.

  For Hugo Smith

  CRAZY

  He didn’t call Emma’s friend Claudia till he got to a bar and had something reddish and harsh in front of him. Actually he didn’t call Claudia until the second reddish thing was in front of him; he drank the first one in three burns. His eyes were stinging from it when he called Claudia. And then when he spoke to her, calmly but with that tone of resignation or melancholy that he knew to sound brave, and gave her an update, the colours of the bar were quickly strong, the lights lush. He said, “No, she’s still in hospital. They’re keeping her overnight.” He gulped again.

  Booze smells of sugar, and this place smelled of sugar and flowers and hot rushes of coffee. It swirled. There were women behind the bar and around him, leaning and picking up glasses and telephones as if instructed to do so by a director with smutty intent; they were posing as women. Their shirts were riding up to show stripes of brown flesh, their skirts had slits or their jeans showed obvious subterranean ridges. They all had lives that involved dressing up and going to work and no mandatory and unpredictable hours in psychiatric wards.

  “I just got out now,” he said. “I’ve been there all day, more than all day, since about four in the morning.” It was six-thirty in the evening now. “Yes, ambulance, police, the whole bit. In the bathroom, she was. No, she hadn’t actually hurt herself, she was just, you know, threatening. For hours, yes.”

  There were screens, too, above the bar and behind him, showing films and loops carefully chosen for their incongruity—for it was that sort of bar, a curated bar, with clever names for cocktails—and those screens with their ancient cartoons or rotating polyhedra absorbed his vision even more than the stretching women did. It was a place of total distraction, the throbbing caricatural inverse of the waiting room in the ward. He could still feel the energy-saving fluorescent light on his skin like a scent. His eyes had been dulled by grey and now they were awake.

  “No, Kee is with her, her friend Kee, from the support group. And she’s calmer now, of course, the first thing they do is sedate them. But Kee has to go at seven, she has to work, so I’m going right back there now. I just have to eat something that isn’t in a wrapper from a machine.” He took another mouthful of burning syrup, wagged his head no to the waitress who had pointed at a menu. She smiled back at him and he noted that. He closed his eyes and saw the pile of wrappers on the side table in the ward waiting room: the mustardy sandwiches, the french fries. He had had coffee and Coke and Five Alive.

  “Thank you, no,” he said to Claudia, “we’ll be fine. I’m guessing they’ll let her out first thing in the morning and I’ll bring her home. And she’s usually okay then. I know you’re working too. No, I’m fine.” He tried to laugh. “I’m used to it. And her mom and her sister are coming now. Yes, now.”

  He listened to Claudia for a while telling him how good he was, and then he stopped listening because she was getting weepy and repetitively apologetic that she couldn’t have been there but it was her work she couldn’t do anything about, she was already on probation from missing too many hours with her fibromyalgia which was playing up again. He watched the screen that was now playing a science fiction movie he remembered from his childhood and it brought back being home from school sick and the smell of the basement rec room.

  “I don’t know what brought it on, honestly,” he said, when she asked him a second time. “It’s usually nothing. She gets these ideas. It’s usually something she suspects I did, like I did something illicit. I don’t know, like I’ve been taking drugs or having an affair with the girl at the corner store. No, not her specifically, I mean someone like her. Actually there is an obese Portuguese man who runs my corner store.”

  But Claudia was waiting for him to tell her exactly who had been suspected, so he said, “Oh, this time it was someone I work with. You don’t know her. I have to have meetings with her sometimes, she called after supper one time, at the house, and that was it, from that moment, she was, you know. And everything I did from that moment—this was only about a week ago—every single thing was evidence, it was a secret conversation, and everything I said or did with my face was a hint, it was a clue.”

  He sighed because it was tiring to tell this and he had hoped not to have to go into such detail. He had gone into this detail several times with two doctors, or three, depending on how you counted the teams of people you waited for in a barred cage and then gave the same account to. Then you watched them leave and you were alone again for two or three hours with someone who was sobbing or sleeping or demanding to leave or trying to break the opaque glass of the observation room or trying to plan a holiday or wondering which of your friends might want to ask Katy or Claudia out or saying that she knew all along that you had not loved her. And you were then thinking about how better you could tell your story to the next team of apparently concerned young people who came in. (The teams of young people, he wanted to tell Claudia, were perfectly multi-racial and gender-balanced, as if selected for a commercial, which was probably not, if you thought about it, a statistical representation of the city’s population but rather of the highly driven children-of-immigrants population, and all that was interesting but not, probably, to Claudia at this moment.)

  “Anyway,” he said, “then she gets, I guess, demanding. She gets to have something right away, like a kid, a child, with a toy, like a really young child. You know when they just have to have this one toy and they scream. So in this case it was, she wanted me to do something for her, something ridiculous, she wanted me to drive her somewhere, to see this woman’s house, to see exactly where she lived, so that she could watch it, or whatever, I don’t know exactly what she wanted to do, I kept asking her.”

  He looked at his watch; this was almost over, he would have to walk through the idyllic little park and across the intersection to the stern hospital. He had no time to tell this story, but once you started with the details it was hard to truncate.

  “So I kept saying no, I’m not going to participate in something so crazy, and she wouldn’t let it go. She was just sobbing a lot at first and threatening and saying all the dark things, you know, about using again or cutting,
but I didn’t take it seriously, and then the phone rang and I didn’t answer it and of course it was an unknown number so that convinced her, for sure, that there was a secret and someone was calling for me, and then I walked out and I came back in and she was out on the balcony, and she was naked—no, nothing, completely—and she was starting to climb over and I had to wrestle with her, you know we’re ten floors up, and, yeah. Yes, it was really. It was dangerous. Then I got her into bed and then I was calling the ambulance on the phone and then I came back in and I pulled back the sheet and she had a pair of little scissors, nail scissors, in there and she was, no, not cutting, just sort of scratching, but. You know. And then you know when you call an ambulance for that they have to send police too, so we had the whole thing, the whole scene, with all the neighbours out in the hallway and everything. And she was screaming, oh yeah.”

  He rubbed his face with his palm as if it would wipe away the rictus he knew was there. There was laughter around him. “And then when we got there she tried to leave and the door was locked and that made her freak out even more, and then they had to restrain her to do toxicology, with the actual straps, the leather straps, like a movie about a loony bin, so that took about four, no six hours, all told, because there were different doctors, and waiting for the results. They made me wait outside for that, for the restraining, which is just as well, because I couldn’t have watched. I have to go back now.” He waved at the smiley waitress for his bill. “No, the blood work was clean. Nothing. But you know, after sedating her they just send her home, they don’t set anything up. There’s no follow-up. They say she has to just make an appointment to see her regular shrink, who is away on holiday, of course, and she won’t go to see her anyway and I can’t make her. Okay. I know. Thanks. Yes, call tomorrow.”

  Claudia had to go suddenly. Perhaps she was exhausted by the story.

  He made two more calls: to Philip at the trust he worked for about why he hadn’t written the minutes from the donors’ committee meeting or priced the marquee or the caterer for the Red Ball as he had been supposed to do by the end of the day. He knew he was leaving this message at the exact moment Philip would have turned off his phone for his run.

  Then he called the roofer and left another message saying that the sliding door was still leaking and there was a pool starting inside the bathroom window too. He reminded the roofer, who also did not answer his phone, that the roofer had promised he would be there that day and the day before and he reminded the roofer that the condo corporation’s lawsuit against the developer was coming to the negotiation phase and that the insurance company had already said they would cover it so this was a no brainer job.

  He did not then call the condo association lawyer for an update.

  When he put his phone in his pocket he never wanted to hear or touch a telephone again in his life.

  It was spring in the little park, cold and bright green, with the smell of weed from the teenagers on the monkey bars that rendered him yearning and a little weepy again.

  He went through the emergency entrance and nodded at the guard who recognized him and buzzed him through. Then he stood at the armoured door of the psych ward and looked in at the waiting room, which had by then been cleared of his fast food wrappers. The waiting room had two new inhabitants, a black lady and her mad daughter who was large, maybe six feet tall, with hair she had obviously cropped herself, and men’s clothes. The daughter was standing in the middle of the room and talking to someone invisible. Her mother was sitting still and looking at the floor with practiced patience. She had a handbag on her lap, and a hat with a brim.

  He had to buzz a couple of times before anyone came out. The young people in their green scrubs moved very slowly on this ward, as if reluctant to help anyone, he didn’t know why. They were all cold and suspicious and asked you everything three times to see if you were lying.

  They took him to the little room where she was. It was a cubicle with a sliding glass door you could close which had no curtain. There was no window.

  She was sleeping on her side. Her thick hair. The room smelled sweaty. They had not given her a gown or any change of clothes. The soles of her feet, pushed out from under the synthetic blanket, were dirty.

  A fat woman who was not wearing hospital clothes came in. They all had dangling i.d. cards at their waists but how could you read them? How could you know if anyone was a doctor or a janitor? She shook Emma’s shoulder and told her briskly her husband was here.

  Emma turned and blinked at him and slowly sat up. She looked around with something like curiosity. She did not seem alarmed. “Are we going?”

  “No, sweetie, they’re going to keep you a little longer. You’re going to sleep here.”

  “I’m not sleeping here any more,” she said without energy.

  He did not reply to this and she didn’t push it. They had been on this subject all day.

  “Would you like something to eat?” said the fat lady.

  Emma nodded. The lady padded out.

  Emma didn’t look at him. She pushed her hair behind her ears and looked at her nails. She was wearing a tight little tank top thing with spaghetti straps and no bra and of course she looked sexy, how could she not, how could she not know. This was part of it, for sure, this flaunting of her breasts and little body. For a second he hated her for it.

  He said, “It’s good that you’re hungry. A good sign. It’s good to eat.”

  She was silent for a while. He waited.

  She said, “I’m sorry.”

  He nodded.

  She said, “I’m so, so sorry. I’m really sorry. I mean it. I am.”

  She said this for a while and then said she knew how she had ruined his whole day and his whole week and she didn’t know how he would ever forgive her. And that she would make it up to him, and that she knew now that none of those things was so important, those things that had stressed her out, and it didn’t matter if anything was true or not true, what was important was that she had him and he was so nice and he always took care of her and she was really, truly sorry, and she really felt a lot better and thought she could go home now.

  He scraped his chair closer and took her hand while she said this, and then he stroked her forearm. “We’ll see what they say,” he said.

  She said, “How’s your friend Erik?”

  “Erik? I’m not sure. I haven’t—why?”

  “I’m wondering if he would be interested in Claudia. She’s kind of artistic, like him.”

  Then her mother and her sister were there, standing in the doorway, in their raincoats, and they went first to him and embraced him and then sat beside her on the bed and in his chair and stroked her hands and asked her if she was feeling better and if they had given her anything to eat.

  Her mother then couldn’t resist asking her what had so upset her in the first place and he said, quietly, “I don’t know if we want to talk about that right now.”

  “I always say the wrong thing,” her mother said.

  “We don’t need to fight right now,” said her sister.

  “Did you bring my iPod?” said Emma.

  “It wasn’t on the table,” said her sister. “It wasn’t anywhere.”

  “It was right sitting there on the little hall table just inside the front door. You couldn’t miss it.”

  “Well I looked there and it wasn’t there.”

  “You’re going to need to sleep anyway,” said her mother.

  “It was just one small thing. The only thing I asked you to bring,” said Emma.

  “You should go home,” her sister said to him. “You need a rest. Go home and sleep.”

  He looked at Emma. “You’ll be okay if I go sleep? With these guys here?”

  “Of course.” Emma reached her arms out to him and closed her eyes. He leaned down and embraced her. Her smell of slept-in sheets.

  The fat woman arrived with a tray with a sandwich of white bread and a sealed cup of juice and a styrofoam bowl of soup. There was
a banana and a rice pudding. It was so forlorn it almost made him cry again.

  Emma looked at it without response, but she reached for the sandwich.

  “Okay,” he said. “I’m going to go.”

  “You are the best,” she said. “You are so good. I love you.”

  Her mother and sister both stood and embraced him at the door. They both whispered thanks in his ear and they both said they were sorry, as if it were their fault, but more likely because neither of them could have come earlier.

  “You are a rock,” said her mother to him. “A rock.”

  “I don’t know why everyone’s so upset,” said Emma. “I’m fine. I should just go now and then everyone could go too.”

  No one responded to this.

  In the corridor he asked the fat woman, “So how long are you going to keep her?”

  “Oh that’s not up to me. That will be up to the doctor.”

  “I thought you were a doctor.”

  “No dear.”

  “So what does the doctor think?’

  “We’re waiting for the doctor now. He hasn’t seen her yet.”

  “We’ve been here about twelve hours. She’s been interviewed by so many people I can’t . . . So which doctor are we waiting for now?”

  “The supervising doctor. He still has to see her.”

  “Okay. So when might that be?”

  She shook her head. “Any time. We really don’t know. We’re all waiting for him now.”

  “So you mean it could be like all night?”

  “Could be. Probably not. He’ll be here.”

  He left her with his phone number and then he was out on the dark street. The cold was enlivening.

  He walked straight back to the same bar and ordered a beer. He tried to look at the menu. The smiley bartender came over and spread her hands along the bar. “You’re back,” she said as if pleased by this charming and unlikely occurrence.